As such, he will see the difference. I got clean last time, this time is was sporadic use, and bloody stupid. We planned to try several different things, but the first time we did this we brought another man in. And you say you have a man you love and a man that loves you than he is going to be there to support you in anyway he can until you find your stride again. Wife dont have time to put in with all other thing.. seriously. Our initial argument/cause of separation was no longer a problem. Perhaps you need to work a bit on your own sense of self-esteem and self-confidence. What do I do? ( I think he got tired of her neediness) she then was in a 2 year relationship with a man that was 15 years older. We werent together officially but the purpose was to get closer to having a real relationship. So I started chatting with his cousin. Listen, as young people, we can dream. I justified it for so long as it being her fault for making me that mad. Other options. He told me that Peter had no rights to joining in our shared meal .. despite the fact that both our mutual friend & I invited him to stay. What does it take for someone to want to be better? Then I meant a man at church who has become one of my dearest friends. He has utterly broken me, I dont know if I will ever recover. but he kept saying we would marry though he didnt mean it. Everything was good. Although in my eyes thats much worse than a sexual connection with someone. I cut off the other person before my wife learned about the situation because I had learned that I already had everything at home I could want. And n November. which he has acknowledged, he just says now that he can no longer ever love me again,but he loves me above everyone else in his life, and im beautiful and the perfect partner. At first it felt like a dream until he hurt me once more. In general we are very loving to each other and have a good relationship. I no longer feel that passion or that I would give my life for him. Before you have complete trust, he will be able to explain why he used to do it and why looking at other women means zero to him now. We had all the qualities of a functioning relationship. Get to know the new guy as a PERSON. My husband felt he had fulfilled his part but I was slacking with my end. When our wedding song comes on he always wants to slow dance and he tears up but I feel nothing. Focus on loving yourself more than hating them When you are hurt, a lot of negative emotions like sadness, disbelief, and anger take over you. Why is that? Neglect. Because I think my expectations are that it should be happening already, faster than it is. for some people who aredifferent, they are emotionally built differently and they cannot just move on and the pain remains with them for ever. She just cant hold to long. My husband knows this. I described another guy as beautiful and he got jealous and felt betrayed. Before you can help her heal, the REAL question that bothers me is why you even cheated at all if you really love her. "You will never really love until you love someone who hates . He started to believe his only chance was going to France. 3 years later Ive kept it to myself and never told him. Not until we can start counseling and actually get some help with our relationship. Not worth it. My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months. Hating someone you love doesn't always translate to another person. I said so you guys planned this?. consumed me. Being sorry isnt enough. i have broken it all . He texts me every day, telling me to have a wonderful day and that he loves me. And I realized what Id been the past year. I told her how sorry I was that I left her without any discussion of me staying or continuing a long distance relationship and told her that I would move back to be with her, but she refused saying that the way that I departed hurt her enough that she could no longer trust me as a partner. It is so hard to be selfish. They all get a long great and my daughter really likes him. ), but deep down, Im still really hurt that he set me aside like that. He has promised to try again to fight his drinking problem and I believe he can do it more than he believes himself. I came back home, and we kind of worked things out. Hey dr deb, My friend recently told me that she felt bad that she felt great without me and wanted to eventually have a discussion with me (with time). Perhaps she isnt really confused but is afraid to admit to herself the real reason. 5 months later he texted me and I decided to talk to him again and slowly we began to rebuild what we had and finally are in a relationship now. My life has spiraled out of control this past year. Good luck. Then last Thursday we went to therapy for the first time in weeks. but thats not an issue for me. So let me ask you a funny question. We began making love 3-4 times a week. Hi Ryan since you didnt ask a question, I didnt respond. she broke up with me 6 weeks ago and it really made me realise how much of a douche i was and how much i love her. Hes been having family issues, car issues, and money issues. My husband & I worked at our own business together & I realized that he was distancing himself from our relationship more & more with each passing year. We talk about getting married in the future and we both know that we want to be long time life partners. Stay away from this guy. Night before she texts me that its formal. He immediately broke down crying, pleading, etc. During that time, i became close with a guy. Hes not giving up, but I dont know how long Im going to last. over this course she has been a stay at home mom.. She has a mother and grandma that lives about 8 hours. So my stuff is up there shes living 2 hours away from where I am now. My spouse is trying to be patient, but I still dont think he really gets the emotional toll his affair had on me, even though it was several years ago. Hes back in my life and I dont know if I could let him back in my heart , or do I do what he did to me? He has had a hard time forgiving me. Fast forward, she badly needed to see me in May but I prevented her cus I was confused about my status. All rights reserved. I do still love her and know she talks and is seeing other people and Im stuck waiting for her. It takes time and patience. You have to do what makes sense to you now. That is totally understandable but not healthy and not fair. If your heart is broken, maybe you need to take action on that. He was stunned, so was I honestly. Even though you didnt actually cheat with this male friend, what you did sounds like spite and that is not healthy for a marriage. He came home after our son was born. Can i save this? I just feel tired like the fight in me is gone and I just dont care if it works out or not. I would appreciate any advise. You should go to AlAnon to learn more, too. Hi Deeksha Not true I talk to him he is just a deep thinker and he thinks or talks about things thats Im not interested in. Hi Pauline, But the guy himself, uh-uh. They enter into a relationship in which they can keep one foot in the water, and the other safely out, on the sand. Counseling for the past pain and how you handle it would be very good. May I recommend a video on my own website called 3 keys to a spectacular marriage? And, in return, I treated him like he was worthless. Sometimes I would just be short over minor issues. She said she does want us to fix our relationship, but she does not now if its possible because she feels her love for me was damaged. It is akin to noticing how your child is improving in math or picking up a language. I need advice I am at my wits end and dont know what to do. We both have feillings for one another. The argument led her to the point that she threatned to call police if I ever come to get family house again i:e baby father or contact her or any mem5 of her family or friends. If you are working on yourself and so is he, it could still take lots of time. he is pushing me away. He had asked her to join us for lunch on Christmas Day which our daughters were hosting for us all at our home. It is HIS job to see that. I used to abuse my bfs emotions so bad. Trust is easy to break, but difficult to build back up. This doesnt just happen in hit songs and Hollywood movies. There will be new things in the you that has experienced all this pain: guardedness, healing, and newfound respect. Is that a sign that our marriage is done with no chance of savaging it. We were together, but not technically, for a while due to the fact that I was staying with my mom a few hours away. Im sorry to read of your heartache. He said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore but still cares about me. The majority of people wouldnt recognize if theyd been controlling or needy. Hate can serve to preserve the closeness of a relationship. His take was that this man had no right to join a group of friends. Even after all the things he has said. I just hope that I havent done so much damage already that it is has become irreversible! She said a lot of little things added up between us and that she started compromising herself to be with me and we both ended up completely different people in a bad way. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. However I understood that she o ices with her man and his parent. I told him I didnt want him talking to her and he stopped. You know, since time in eternity, multiple partners have not worked because it arouses jealousy. I dont know what to do. He said he loved me with his whole heart but I hurt him and I had to rebuild his trust. So I guess I always expect the worst and questioned him ask him to delete all his social media sites and quit contact with them. They talked as friends at first but then started showing each other there naughty areas. If he comes to the conclusion that he does want to try to make this work, how do I get over all of the hurt and betrayal? I you loved them once, you can surely love them again. He hated the city, the job.. and me. I like your approach and I really need it at this point. What we had resonates with what you had with your partner we were a perfect match in every way. She can look at my blog on my own website, 15 reasons not to divorce. At this point I need advice on how to begin to gain his trust and respect again. I would best describe her as fun and outgoing. The counseling should be goal-oriented, meaning, you should be given specific tools to rebuild your sense of self-esteem and overcome the destructive messages that you have inside. 5: Another idea among the 15 ideas for a perfect first date is to do something that will make her laugh I really could use your help please. How much should a person fight before realising that its time to let go? Good luck with turning that around. I wanted it all the time and he rarely ever did. I cant control it but thats what Im working on right now. I dont know What to do what worse is that we still are married & live together!!! And then HE cheated and he doesnt want to give YOU another chance??? Please know that there is help available! He seemed very hopeful and focused on succeeding there. Man. He believes his actions show his love, yet I have always questioned myself as to whether he really loves me. He will say he loves me and that my life is so normal and this is healthy but his friends tell me that he finds reasons to leave as I am not needy enough for him and that I may be almost a threat to him because it is easier to save this manipulative woman as she will kick him to the curb until her next drama. i am trying my best to heal any hurt i have caused with patience and saying nice things. And that I have since then falling in love with her over and over. I cheated on my husband. Hes hurt me so bad and he wont even talk to me or answer questions that I have. I went to the doctor to find out for sure and I was. Is a very intelligent man used to be an RN nurse until the car accident. I have a bit of a quirky personality where my heart and intentions mean well but sometimes maybe I come off as hard to read. its been three months doing this, but I cant take it anymore. I try at times msg him but no avail till a year later , i msg him , he finally reply. Why throw nearly 6 years away after a couple of months of not being sure. All friends and family who I discussed this with thought I should leave him but no one but him and I could understand that we had such a deep connection despite his actions. I think were emotionally ok, we talk every day about how we feel and whats going on in our lives. People get into drugs because they cant tolerate the emotional pain inside. I dont want to ever hurt him again, but at this point, I feel like hes punishing me. Judging from a recent argument, he screamed at the top of his lungs I know yoire trying to fix it but you arent trying hard enough because you are still messing up, how long do you want me to give you to change, IM HURT! Now he told me he is not in love with me and feels nothing for me. You want someone who wants you for the PERSON you are. He probably forgot to delete it. My boyfriend hurts himself when we fight and he cant hurt or hit me so that he hurts himself. Please help. He has taken off and emptied our bank account and left without word or a call that he is alive and ok for days. If you think you are basically a lovable person, it can be hard to comprehend that someone you love might not love you. It was my value. And yet I honestly feel he is a remarkable man, and I have seen him change some of his behaviours. We were together for 15 years, and things took a turn for the worse about 5 years before the end. Do you think there is hope for a reinvented lonesome cowboy of New Orleans? I choose to love myself and to aim for my own happiness. I was lonely. Life can be excruciating and thats part of the human experience. Weve both have tried to stop each other from arguing but can never come to an accordance together. Over the past few months I have dealt with all my demons and getting better but my wife is no longer interested as I hurt her so much. Maybe that was a lie to get me away from him . actually i never thought from his perspective.but now I AM REALLY SORRY and i regret and i have the feeling of guilt that i have hurt him so much dr. also this is not the first time i have hurt him. He gets frustrated that I dont trust him but hes willing to do anything to get me to understand. I fixed my hair or it will tangle and we left for home. When arguments start, keep calm. We live together, and I think he is planning on proposing to me, he drops a lot of hints, and says he wants to spend his life with me. He said he didnt cheat we were broke up. She said breakups are hard when you have kids, and her kids were still attached to her ex boyfriend, she had trouble telling them to move on. Now after 28 years of marriage he works with someone that he finds attractive. But I really feel like I am at a fork in my life, I dont know if I should just let him go or hold on and try to fix things.any help would be appreciated. She is a wonderful woman. My 9 year old son is devastated. Thank you!! But nothing more. It has felt like I held the whole thing together. He fears that another depression like that will keep occurring, and although I cant technically promise such a thing, I keep reassuring him that Im not depressed anymore. Other people have great ideas, too. He broke up with me three times, for a few weeks in between. This past summer, as my departure to travel neared, my boyfriend became sort of controlling and we argued a lot (we had always argued a lot, but this time, even more). We were in a relationship for 3 years and a half. Perhaps she is not sure how to tell you its over? She will be going over to her friends after the kids go to bed for the foreseeable future. I came off them a month ago and now can see things far better. But lying is a really, really bad one. But you cannot be his therapist. So responded and lashed at her for games she played. Hi Megan, He has been and so far will always be the one for me. I told her I will never give up on our marriage and would never consider a divorce. He was very upset and angry with me and he thought we were breaking up. Started feeding us the same words/lines simultaneously. How can YOU be sure (let alone your wife) that you will NEVER in a hundred years do this again? Ive been drinking a lot and feeling so sad and overall not ok. Is there anyway that the relationship could work again and if so how? Part of me says hes just gone too far this time. The hard part is that i see her every day (at work) and some days it feels like Im slipping back into anxiety ridden grief. This is killing me, he would do anything for me, and I know this, but I dont believe it. Yet, he went ahead and did that. But at the same time it is hard to give her that. Thank you for your response. My religious background was teh reason I split up with my EAP in the beginning and he says he would be willing to work at shared values. in love with me but the thing is it was a long There are many reasons why this can happen, especially if the love came before the abuse. Its risky business. Move on!! But somehow I felt relieved that he did it so I didnt have to. I told her that it wasnt that I couldnt live without here, it was that I wanted to share my life with her. Thank you. Hes an insecure person (he always accused me of cheating on him and having crushes on other men, which I NEVER did) but I believed that he could overcome it one day. Cheating involves a lot of hurtful secrecy, so you'll know he wants to make things work with you if he's suddenly more open, honest, and genuine than ever before . This actually came up the other day and he said we are talking, weve seen each other, the kids have seen each other, we hug and kiss etcso in his mind we are already making baby steps. You are in love with two people, but now its time to choose who to be in a relationship with. I was so in love with this man, more so than I was with my husband. So cold, angry and unforgiving. It just got worse, she didnt have a job and was away from family. These are question he needs to hear. Youre being crazy all Ive done is try to talk to her. I try to talk with her with different apps she talk with me for-awhile and she either uninstall the app or block me for no reason. She was mad. Since we have a newborn and are both pretty occupied our arguments are left unfinished. It was difficult at the time but we decided to stay together and try everything we could to fix our relationship. It can be broken, it can be buried, but it never goes away. If you only knew how much this man loved me. The one thing I wish I could change about him is his inability towards insight. I asked him what that was all about & he complained that Peter had made him feel like an idiot & incapable of being the good mechanic he is. I am on the reject list. I dont know what to do anymore. i found when i was miscarrying that he was lying, pretending to be at work, (he does work 7 days per week and has for over a year, i see the payslips this is a fact). I met my wife while I was in recovery, I am an alcoholic. Can you explain what you mean by outside sources? Consider the bright side. I would say hes left me a total of 15 or more times within our 10 year relationship. This is not the first time this has happened, but we always manage to decide to work around things and still be together. He said that he couldnt go a day without hearing her voice & it seems as though it never mattered as to what they talked about .. he just had to hear her. I agreed. I want him back. Hello dr. Well i was bored one evening/afternoon. The first time, you just opened yourself up and there it was. Dear Dr. Deb, I am now in therapy and dealing with my issues, should I let my wife go? Over the years he has struggled with excessive alcohol abuse and usually I am able to bring it up and he notices its getting worse and fixes it himself. I tried to delete him out of my life but he found his way back and said that he truly loved me and that sleeping with that other woman was only a one-time thing because we were broken up at that time. I was angry at her at first then went to begging all in the course of the same day. Why? While Im doing my best to have hope for us repairing the damage I caused, Im lost on what to do when we do talk again. Im an ENFJ. Every alarm in my heart was going off now. But I know that I pushed him away. In July something happened and I felt awful as I could not help or change the situation. I just dont understand that, is that what youre supposed to do as a couple, work at your relationship. Hi TJ Hi Deb, I met my girlfriend during freshman year in college. It looks like this guy is having fun seeing how many women he can keep on the side. She said she still loves me but does not want anything to do with me anymore. But I dont really know which way to go and either way is difficult. That is all I can offer without talking to both of you. To the best of my knowledge, friend could actually mean herself. Hi Dr, You could not have said it better. But Im trying and Im fighting for our relationship and it seems to me at this point, that hes not. As time went on we started becoming emotionally abusive to each other, i.e. I know i love him. Too much focus on how rotten you feel about your actions point your attention back to yourself and thats not where it belongs. Please help. since we have this money issues i dont demand something new to try with him, i let him know that i understand his situation. ), The Radicalism of Romantic Love: Critical Perspectives (pp. I have been with out my youngest daughter for 4 years and now my husband say he doesnt love me anymore He felt out of love with me , but is hard for me to accept that i can imagine the life with out them , I feel angry use and betrayed by him but i love him. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 and years now. But I am focusing on you because you are the one that asked. Sorry to hear that. Life is too short too settle.just make sure this is what you want because once you do there is no turning back and make sure he is the man you love. Things were not good at home, and Ive always believed that he rescued me. He sent a msg ( during times of clean breakup) that he found out he still have feelings with his ex ( before wifes time) . Its a way of avoiding real life and feeling good in real life. I just dont get how shes so perfect and can make my husband fall in love with her giving her his all while leaving me on the back burner. He was afraid he still had feelings for his ex, and wanted to work through them before we moved further with our relationship. I once said I hoped we could get back what we had and he said me too. He seems to be in selfish state of mind and thats okay, but dont call me friend or tell others that you still want to marry me and dont even act like it. The thought of sex with anyone but him is not an option for me. I feel like you could have summed this up by saying this: Shes a few years younger. We started fighting a lot more, partly due to how unfairly needy and emotional I know Ive been, and partly because he feels trapped in a life he was not ready for. 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